SO I SAID FINE, WE'LL DRIVE OUR WIDE RECEIVERS OUT TO THE FOOTHILLS AND STRAND THEM, AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE DIDīUT THAT WAS NOT THE WORST EXPERIENCE WITH A RECRUIT I HAD But I must finish this report or whatever it is secretaries do. I TOLD YOU NOT TO MAKE ME LISTEN TO ANY OF THAT SHE-MAN PROSTITUTE'S MUSIC LISTEN YOU TRANSVESTITE, THOSE LIPS LOOK GOOD FOR DOING ONE THING, AND IT'S NOT SINGING Are you insecure because of my good looks and singing ability? YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH GRAY MATTER TO FEED A HORSEFLY I know, but they were insistent that you've been dead since 1998 and 'FEAST ON YOUR BRAINS?' WHY THAT'S JUST PLAIN RIDICULOUS that you're a zombie and you'd try to feast on my brains. This is worse than what they told me to expect WHICH LOOKED AND SMELLED LIKE A DECOMPOSING RACCOONįine. THAT WAS WORSE THAN MY LAST BOWEL MOVEMENT HOLY LORD GOD I DID NOT KNOW MANKIND WAS CAPABLE OF SUCH UTTER CRAP No, I covered 'Live And Let Die' for CBS! Take a look: I KNEW YOU WERE IN CAHOOTS WITH THE UNTRUSTWORTHY BRITISH I DON'T CARE MUCH FOR THE DANCING AND PRANCING THERE'S TWO THINGS I LOVE, MISSY, AND THAT'S FOOTBALL AND A STIFF WHISKEY AND GINGER ALE. It's a huge production, we've got dancers, pyrotechnics, an outstanding light show, it's awesome. THE VIBRATIONS CAN SPEED UP THE PREGNANCY BY ALMOST 300%Īnyway. I PLACED MY WIFE IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR AND DROVE ON GRAVEL ROADS FOR AN HOUR A DAY. SURE ENOUGH, FOUR MONTHS LATER, SHE GIVES BIRTH TO DERRICK WILLIAMS, THE NUMBER ONE RECRUIT IN THE NATION BALL GAME, NITTANY LIONS! AFTER I RIPPED OUT A HANDFUL OF JIMMY JOHNSON'S HAIR, I GRABBED MY WIFE FROM THE STANDS AND MADE VIOLENT LOVE TO HER, RIGHT THERE ON THE FIFTY YARD LINE. NUMBER ONE VERSUS NUMBER TWO! WE WERE CLINGING TO A 14-10 LEAD LATE, AND WE KNOCKED A PASS AWAY IN THE END ZONE ON FOURTH DOWN. IT WAS 1986, AND WE WERE UP AGAINST THE MIAMI HURRICANES FOR THE TITLE. I ONCE PERFORMED IN FRONT OF A LARGE CROWD. I'm very excited to be on stage at Happy Valley! I've never performed in front of over 100,000 fans! THAT WAS A JOKE YOUNG LADY, WOMEN HAVEN'T GOT A PLACE ON THE FOOTBALL FIELDĪnyway. WHY THEN GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO PENN STATE FOOTBALL HE LOVES PROSTITUTES LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVEĬoach! She's just here to meet you while we finalize the deal for her to sing at Happy Valley! She is not a prostitute! LONG STORY SHORT WE ARE NOW NO LONGER IN GOOD DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS WITH BOLIVIA SO THEY SNEAK ONTO THE BASE AND PLANT EXPLOS NEVER DO DIRECT BUSINESS WITH A CRIMINAL, I SAY. SO I DO WHAT ANY SANE COACH WOULD DO AND HAVE MY ASSISTANT COACHES HIRE SOME DELINQUENTS. WELL, I FIGURE THOSE AIR FORCE CANDYASSES HAD PLAYED A TRICK ON HIM.

BEFORE THE AIR FORCE GAME, CAPPO COMES UP TO ME AND SAYS, 'COACH, I CAN'T PLAY THIS WEEKEND,' AND I ASK HIM, WELL WHY NOT, AND HE TELLS ME HE'S GOT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE HIS DAD'S BEEN IN A FACTORY ACCIDENT AND A PIECE OF SHEET METAL HAD RUN THROUGH HIS LOWER TORSO. FIRST TIME I EVER SAW A HEISMAN WINNER WITH THREE PAIRS OF DOUBLED LETTERS IN HIS NAME. I NEVER DID TRUST THE BRITISH, AND YOU'D BE A FOOL TO DO SO YOURSELFīACK IN 1973, OUR TAILBACK WAS A HORSE OF A KID, JOHN CAPPELLETTI. and she's also a very accomplished solo artist as well. She's with a band called the Black Eyed PeasĭISGUSTING, AT BEST THE NINTH TASTIEST LEGUME AVAILABLE Ha, ha! No, not her! There's a different Fergie. I NEVER THOUGHT THE DUCHESS OF YORK WOULD HAVE A CULTURAL RENAISSANCE ON ACCOUNT OF HER OLD AGE AND HORSELIKE APPEARANCE We're having Fergie perform at Beaver Stadium the night before the game! Sir, you're not nearly old enough to have rememĪnyway. I HOPE IT'S DOROTHY HORNBAKER, HER DULCET TONES SOOTHED ME DURING THE GREAT DEPRESSION

Well, as part of our Grid Iron Bash, we're hosting a concert at Beaver Stadium! Isn't that something! Good morning, Joe! There's someone I think you should meet. One commenter pondered what would happen if Joe Paterno were ever to meet her. In the Gridiron Bash promotion that's bringing Kelly Clarkson to Iowa, Penn State will be graced with Fergie's presence.

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